In my previous entry, I had ended off with a request for prayers that God will grant opportunities to convict my heart and that of the particular her. The prayers had been effective, the opportunities presented themselves, and therefore I only have myself to blame for how terribly I messed up each and every one of them.
So it happened that the particular her and I were on a retreat after my microeconomics finals. The word ‘retreat’ is admittedly very odd, but I am using it so as not to give too much away. In any case, when I told my friends about the trip, those in the know beamed and said things to the effect of “great opportunity!”, “aren’t you excited?”, “why are you still having low morale?”. Frankly, I really had no idea what to make of it. On hindsight, it was perhaps not the best opportunity given the fact that there were so many people on the trip; but the expectation was definitely there, on both her part and mine, to thaw some of the ice that had formed since the rejection.
There are a thousand and one things I wanted to tell her but not a single word would come from my mouth. Indeed, it is an established theorem that there is a cruel inequality in John Nash’s mysterious equation (ref: previous entry): some guys can simply open their mouths and sweep damsels off their feet. They can charm the damsels and make them blush with sweet nothings while sincere words don’t receive a decent hearing. I can’t help but find the humiliating irony inherent in all of this: I was a debater in school (was Best Speaker on a couple of occasions), I was House captain, I had given presentations in front of the entire school, made speeches at model United Nations, but in front of her I was goofy, incoherent, awkward and pathetic. I was, actually, pathetic. Sometimes I rehearse in my head how I would tell her that I intend to earn her confidence, that she is so special and that our differences will only make a relationship more enduring; inevitably, I end up sounding like I’m giving a Nobel lecture or asking people to vote for me.
Again, this really is not an entry about my rejection; there is not enough angst or dejection for this to be thought of as such. Seeing how effective prayer had been, let this instead be another request for prayers that God will guide me to make her feel confidently secure and that it is part of His will to grant an enduring relationship.
I’ll be in
Mark is a Computer Science, Discrete Mathematics and Logic major on a scholarship from A*STAR (for the non-Singaporean reader, A*STAR is a governmental institute that focuses on science, technology and research). Mark also has a reputation for being not quite normal. Feeling hungry prior to his midterm, Mark saved his meal block and ate the cover page of his test-paper. He calls himself a laptop and keeps a tree branch next to his bed for protection. During international freshmen’s orientation, Mark and I were in a conversation about Singlish and our national service experience with two friends we had just made; and then, he started giving a lecture on the lexicon and syntax of Singlish. I later apologized on behalf of my fellow countryman. Therefore, it was with great astonishment and more than a rude shock that the Facebook world came to learn that his status had been changed to: In a Relationship with Allyson Zhang.
In light of what happened at Virginia Tech, we should take every care to be more understanding and sensitive to those among us who are strange in certain ways. But beyond that, I have a genuine admiration for Mark committing to a relationship and for finding someone so suitable for him, just as overly geeky and just as weird. They are the perfect match, the Θ that gives his cosine value, the two curves of a hyperbola, the two bars of an equal sign. Maybe, Mark really had it all figured out. After all, John Nash did say “It’s only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reason can be found”.
So, in many ways, Mark has my newfound respect. While he can inspire commitment, all I have done was to arouse insecurities in that particular her. I should have been more self-conscious and more sensitive. Pace the way things were going to give her more time, earn her confidence, be more humble and more down-to-earth. Frankly, and pathetically, I don’t have a good idea how it all came apart. But the pain of rejection made me so certain that she had been so special and that I really like her even though she deserves better.
I have always found it disconcerting how people can whine about breakups on their blogs or write for their cyber audience existentialist entries about their relationship woes. I follow these blogs with sadistic voyeurism and find humor in their melodrama. As far as possible, I try not to keep this blog too personal. Therefore, so that this entry will not be thought of as about me mopping over my rejection (this really isn’t), let this instead be a random post about that mysterious equation as well as a request for prayers that God will grant opportunities to convict our hearts.