In my previous entry, I had ended off with a request for prayers that God will grant opportunities to convict my heart and that of the particular her. The prayers had been effective, the opportunities presented themselves, and therefore I only have myself to blame for how terribly I messed up each and every one of them.

So it happened that the particular her and I were on a retreat after my microeconomics finals. The word ‘retreat’ is admittedly very odd, but I am using it so as not to give too much away. In any case, when I told my friends about the trip, those in the know beamed and said things to the effect of “great opportunity!”, “aren’t you excited?”, “why are you still having low morale?”. Frankly, I really had no idea what to make of it. On hindsight, it was perhaps not the best opportunity given the fact that there were so many people on the trip; but the expectation was definitely there, on both her part and mine, to thaw some of the ice that had formed since the rejection.

There are a thousand and one things I wanted to tell her but not a single word would come from my mouth. Indeed, it is an established theorem that there is a cruel inequality in John Nash’s mysterious equation (ref: previous entry): some guys can simply open their mouths and sweep damsels off their feet. They can charm the damsels and make them blush with sweet nothings while sincere words don’t receive a decent hearing. I can’t help but find the humiliating irony inherent in all of this: I was a debater in school (was Best Speaker on a couple of occasions), I was House captain, I had given presentations in front of the entire school, made speeches at model United Nations, but in front of her I was goofy, incoherent, awkward and pathetic. I was, actually, pathetic. Sometimes I rehearse in my head how I would tell her that I intend to earn her confidence, that she is so special and that our differences will only make a relationship more enduring; inevitably, I end up sounding like I’m giving a Nobel lecture or asking people to vote for me.

Again, this really is not an entry about my rejection; there is not enough angst or dejection for this to be thought of as such. Seeing how effective prayer had been, let this instead be another request for prayers that God will guide me to make her feel confidently secure and that it is part of His will to grant an enduring relationship.

I’ll be in Pittsburgh for classes and I won’t be back in Singapore till late June. Sadly, I can’t wait for classes to start because it seems like it is going to be an extremely boring and lonely summer.